Hello dear readers! I’m very excited to welcome back author Jeanna Ellsworth today to Austenesque Reviews. Jeanna is here celebrating her new release, To Refine Like Silver – a novel that is not only very special to her but is also her favorite out of all the books she has written! Thank you, Jeanna, for stopping by and sharing a enticing little excerpt from To Refine Like Silver with us!
Thanks Meredith for hosting me! To Refine Like Silver is my third book that has been published. The idea came to me after my church leader gave a 5 minute devotional. It was something he said that sparked the idea. (Do we not all drift to Pemberley now and again in church sermons? Grocery stores? In our dreams?) Well, my plot bunny was working overtime and I started correlating what he said to how it could fit into a book. I love to have metaphors in my writing to help carry the plot and he shared a metaphor of the blacksmith and the Refiner’s Fire. It got me curious about why we have to go through trials.
I’d like to think that there is a reason for the trials I have gone through. Don’t we all? I haven’t ever hidden the fact that I suffered for ten years with major depression, and sometimes it is hard to look back at those years and think that they were good for me. Why would a loving God allow his daughter of God to endure year after year of heartache and sadness? The answer was in the metaphor. In order to fully appreciate the metaphor of the Refiner’s Fire, one has to read the book. But until then, here is an excerpt to give you a taste of what you might find in the book.
In this scene, Darcy has already met Elizabeth who is staying at Saphrinbrooke (the Estate in Lambton that the Gardiners inherited). Darcy and Georgiana have been invited to dine with Elizabeth and the Gardiners. There is one major problem . . . Georgiana is not fit to be in company. She is in a very dark place since the incident with Wickham at Ramsgate (which is worse than in canon). I particularly like this scene because I got to put in writing what those ten years had felt like to me. Many people are under this misconstrued idea that depression is a selfish disease. I believe that close to 100% of the people would do anything, try anything, to get out of it. One of the things that leads people to suicide is the thinking that they have done all they can do to get out of it. But in this scene, Georgiana just wants to see hope in her brother’s eyes again. Enjoy!
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Please, Georgie. As your brother and guardian, I insist that you accompany me tonight. I am not blind to your 
pain and sorrow. I do understand how betrayed you feel. I trusted him once too. But you simply must try to forget.”
How could she forget what he had done? Georgiana bit her lip and tried to look at her brother. As soon as her eyes met his, she saw the pain in them, but there was something else. She saw something she had never seen before. His eyes were pleading with her to accompany him. Why was it so important that she meet their new neighbors? The very thought of attempting to smile and make conversation was so daunting it made her want to retire to bed right then.
She kicked her horse, Hera, and left William behind without saying a word. Why was William asking this of her? Didn’t he know that she was not to be trusted anymore? Her shame was leaking out her eyes, and it obscured her view of the path. She moved the reigns to one hand as she quickly wiped away the tears. She heard William coming up behind her, and she kicked the horse harder.
She knew she was taking terrible risks by riding in this emotional state, but it was the one thing that seemed to calm her. People died all the time on horses. She enjoyed the risk. She flicked the reigns and felt the response in the animal immediately. She felt that brief lightness of heart. Maybe today would be the day. Maybe Hera would throw her today. Maybe she would finally be out of the pain she was trapped in.
Every day it was the same. She was coaxed out of bed by her lady’s maid and forced to eat something. She greeted her brother with as much confidence as she could muster. And then the rest of the day was nothing. Blackness. Cold, hard, blackness.
She was sure the sun rose and set, but she didn’t notice. She knew she breathed in and out, because there were times she felt like she had to remind herself to do so. Every day she relived that moment when the truth had been revealed. She searched her memories for evidence, for an explanation. Something in the weeks preceding the moment should have warned her of his character, but every day, she found none. She was ruined. She was no longer capable of living. She was simply ruined.
If each day would be like this, she did not know how long she could continue. Blurriness. Darkness. Sadness. Every shade of gray. There was no sun, no peace, and certainly no joy. She was not watching very closely where she was going as she let Hera choose the path she wanted at a pace that Georgiana insisted upon. Hearing William call her name finally pulled her out of her darkness, and she slowed.
Darcy caught up to Georgiana and saw her tear-stained face, and he knew he could not make her go. He pulled his horse up next to her and grabbed her reigns; she was nearly losing her grip on them anyway. He quieted both horses until they came to a stop. “Georgiana, I am sorry. I know you are not ready for this. I will send our regrets to Miss Bennet and the Gardiners.”
Georgiana looked up at him and finally realized what she had seen in his eyes before. It had been hope. Now the hope was gone. She knew that hopeless look well. It was the same one in her eyes. For the last three months, she had refused to look in a mirror for that very reason; she even draped a blanket over her bedroom mirror. She could barely handle hurting. She could barely handle the shame. She could barely handle the darkness, and sometimes all she could handle was breathing for one hour at a time. But she could not handle seeing the same look of hopelessness in her brother’s eyes.
She stared at him, looking at him as if she had never seen him before. In truth, she hadn’t really looked at him in months. She had tried her hardest not to. She didn’t want to see his disappointment in her. She needed no more reminders of what had happened. But as she looked at him now, she was sure of one thing: there had been hope in his eyes a moment ago, and now it was gone. Curious was the wrong word, but it made her feel something. She took a deep breath and softly asked, “Who is Miss Bennet?”
“She is the Gardiners’ niece visiting from Hertfordshire. She made quite the impression on me. I must admit I would love for you to meet her. There is something about her that is beyond unique. Beyond impressive.”
“Is she that beautiful?”
“Oh no! I mean, yes. No, what I mean to say is she is beautiful, but that is not why she impressed me. She has something about her that I have never seen before. She made me laugh. She teased me. She was . . .” Darcy’s face flushed beet red as he stammered. “Let us just say I would like to know more about her. But there will be other opportunities. I am sorry. You need not go tonight.”
Georgiana was speechless. Her brother had just praised a lady. A single, beautiful lady. His disappointment was very evident in his eyes. The same disappointment she had tried so hard not to see these last three months. It moved something deep inside her. She looked away and bit her lip. Could she do it? Or would her presence ruin her brother’s chance at happiness? Would she make a fool out of herself, exposing without intent her many follies and indiscretions? She felt him place his hand on her arm. New tears formed from such a gesture. She sniffed them back and turned back to him. “I will go,” she announced.
No, we do not have to go. It was inappropriate and insensitive of me to ask.”
She had been getting good at lying. Every day he asked her how she was doing, and every day she said she was fine. She knew she was not fine. She feared she would not even survive each day. The only thing she looked forward to was her daily ride on Hera. Risks. That was the draw in riding Hera.
And going to this dinner would be the biggest risk of all. She would risk everything to see her brother happy. This dinner would remind her that her heart was still pumping, as there were times she was in doubt. “Brother, I said I would go. Do not fight me. I do not have enough fight in me to argue. Just do me one kindness: if I embarrass you, will you please make our excuses and take our leave as soon as possible?” She felt that gentle squeeze on her arm again.
“You could never embarrass me. But we will not stay long. I will make sure of it.”
Georgiana felt her chest tighten and bile rose quickly to her mouth. She quickly leaned over the horse away from William and vomited. She could do this. She had to. If it was the last thing she accomplished in her life, she had to survive this night and she had to smile. She took out her handkerchief and wiped her mouth. She refused to look at William, as she did not wish to see his concern, but that did not keep her from hearing it in his voice.
“Are you ill?”
Oh, how she would love to say yes! But she had to do this for him. She had to leave him with some kind of happiness in his life. “No,” she answered.
*****
I hope you enjoyed this excerpt! There will be some who empathize with Georgiana, for others you can sympathize. For some, you know a friend or family member who struggles with depression and this is a glimpse into what they are feeling. Either way, one of the key messages that this book conveys (besides being a great love story! Of course! How can a story where Elizabeth and Darcy fall in love not be?) is that sadness is just a feeling, it cannot consume you. I hope you all get a chance to read this book and pass it on to others.
Thanks again for hosting me! It is always a treat to be on your blog, Meredith!
MY pleasure, Jeanna! Thank you for not only sharing this excerpt with us, but for writing a tale that is challenging and personal to your life and experience! I thoroughly enjoyed this difficult but inspiring journey you took these characters on!
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Connect with Jeanna
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GIVEAWAY TIME!!!
Today, Jeanna Ellsworth brings with her ONE paperback copy (open to US residents only) and ONE ebook copy (open worldwide) of her newly released novel, To Refine Like Silver, for me to giveaway to TWO lucky winners!
To enter this giveaway ask Jeanna a question! (She has an inclination to be quizzed!)
- This giveaway is open worldwide (with some shipping restrictions). Thank you, Jeanna!
- This giveaway ends November 17th!
I absolutely loved this book. As I have the eBook and the paperback, please do not enter me in this give away.
Ahhh, thanks Debbie! It is so nice to hear that it helped someone and that makes all the work worth it. I just needed to hear that it helped at least one person. Glad to know it was a friend!
I have been in a very dark place and know the pain. Thankfully it didn’t last but in the middle it felt interminable. Truly a very real possibility for the situation. I will have to put this on my TBR list and please enter me in the giveaway.
Stephanie, you are not alone. There are so many people to fight this beast and feel the lonely abyss. This book is a journey for Georgiana as she learns how to help herself. The core elements are gratitude and forgiveness. I am glad it didn’t last but the middle is so painful. To truly have to remind yourself to breathe is something that is hard to describe. Often I say a prayer for those people who might feel that familiar ache. I hope this book reaches a few of them and offers them hope.
Hi Jeanna, this sounds wonderful and I have not read any of your books so please enter me for the giveaway and I will definitely put this on my ever growing TBR pile. My mother has suffered from severe depression and it affects the whole family. My mother always says no-one can understand depression unless you have experienced it yourself and it is an awful place. My mother still has some bad days but is a lot better than she was when I was younger.
Michelle, she is not alone. And you make a very real point. Depression affects the whole family without a doubt! As you will see, it affects Darcy significantly and he too has to learn important concepts to keep Georgiana safe. Please, if you don’t win this, buy it for your mother. It does help to know that there are people out there who know what she feels like. The journey the characters go through has some underlying messages that I hope you get a chance to read.
I have been fortunate that I have never been truly depressed nor am I aware of any family members who have been – though I could be totally wrong.
Please enter me to win a copy of the ebook (it will be added to be wish list anyway)
Always a pleasure to see you on the blog. 1 in 3 women will suffer with depression at some point in their life. So I am so happy you do have not experienced it but it is the most common illness. More common then Hypertension. Watch for those who might need a gentle touch or a kind word. Good luck in the giveaway!
What colors do you imagine Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth in as they dance?
I love a Darcy in a gray or black jacket with a nice fitting pair of tan breeches. I love a silver vest that has modest but tasteful shiny buttons. I see Elizabeth always in colored dresses. Once I wrote her with a gold and green gown but mostly because I had to make a emerald necklace fit into the scene nicely. I personally love peach or silvery purple. Good question! Makes me want to write a ballroom scene again!
What a powerful excerpt! Thank you for sharing your experience through your writing. I look forward to reading this novel.
Thank you so much! I have felt so moved by everyone’s words of kindness. I hope you do get a chance to read it! Thanks for commenting! Good luck in the giveaway!
I loved this book! Just read it recently and really enjoyed it! Loved all the elements you brought to the story — especially the Silversmith and his mom! Great characters!
Yay! I’m tickled that you loved it!I think it has mixed reviews, mostly because some people did not head the warnings that the characters learn to fully rely on God (FROG) and are disappointed that it has some Christian elements. If you get a chance, write a review! It is always like Christmas when a review comes in! Thanks for your kind words. They are much appreciated.
Thank you for sharing this excerpt and your own personal story. My first bought with depression lasted about a year until I finally lost my job because I couldn’t care enough to get up and go to work. It was embarrassing but one of the best things that ever happened to me because it forced me to acknowledge it was a real problem. My doctor, bless her, knew what was wrong before I ever mentioned it, because I’d been in the room speaking with her (for something unrelated) for 30 minutes and never once looked at her in the face. Since then it’s never been that bad again but I can relate to Georgiana wanting to help her brother. It’s easier in that state to do things for other people than for yourself. You don’t want people to be as disgusted with you as you are with yourself. But I’m rambling! lol
Can’t wait to read this one! 🙂 I love that Darcy is taken with Lizzy from the start, and isn’t really trying to hide it.
You have described it so succinctly. It is hard to look at others because you are afraid you will see that they feel the same way about you as you do about yourself…..however….people with depression need to start seeing the reality. They NEED to look at their loved one’s faces because then they will see how loved and adored they are. You were blessed with a fabulous doctor. I can see it now in others without a word spoken. Just recently I helped a friend who I had just met and it felt like my suffering was all worth it because I had passed on what I had learned. Good luck. I hope you read it.
Thank you for sharing your own personal struggle. It appears that To Refine Like Silver has been a good journey for you. Kudos! This P&P variation is intriguing. This book sounds wonderful, and thank you for the giveaways. So, what has your “plot bunny” taken you for your next book?
I feel obligated to help share what helped me. It was somewhat difficult to put my dark thoughts to paper but once I started, it flowed quite easily. It was an interesting experience.
My plot bunny has already taken me on a journey called Hope for Georgiana. It is totally unrelated, and in fact a third book in a series. I have written two chapters and hope to get some writing done this week. I have the plot outline done and know exactly what needs to happen. Of course….as a writer, I know that sometimes plot outlines go out he window as soon as the characters take hold of the story which is in about chapter 4. Ha ha. It is true…the characters lead the dance we all read. There is no mistaking it.
This is a definite read for me! Added it to my Amazon list of TBR. Jeanna, did you find that you learned lessons from your own writing–like it was cathartic and you understood yourself better?
Great question… It was very very cathartic. It was fun as I wrote each scene and each step in the process of healing that I saw the thousands of miracles that occurred in my path to health. I will not discount that God was a huge reason that I survived, and so God is a huge reason why Georgiana finds hope. The things I understood about myself were things that I had no idea I already knew. I learned that the road was long (ten years) and horrid at times (very very painful), but I learned that my daily efforts I made all were worth it. I have a saying I told myself. I would say to myself, one more hour. …get through this hour….one more day….get through this day….one more week….get through this week. And then one day I realized that I made it a whole year….then two…then five! I learned there is a time and season for procrastination. I wanted it so badly to end, but delaying it one hour, day, week, or year turned out to be the best thing! I have infused my greatest crutches that helped me do this: Gratitude and forgiveness. These elements in To Refine Like Silver, are somewhat presented as Christian principles but in reality, they are just human principles. Grateful and forgiving people make up the best of humanity, no matter what faith they share.
What a moving and heartbreaking excerpt. I have a good friend who has been struggling with depression for years. It’s very hard to know how to help other than be there. What would be your advice? Thank you for the giveaway.
I am sorry I skipped over this question accidentally when I first started replying. My one and ONLY advice is also found in the book: LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY. I mean it. No matter how depressed, now emotional, how scared or snarky she gets, just love her. She needs to know that there are people who will always be there for her. She will have coping issues and I would encourage you to help her exercise (walk with her every morning) or offer a listening ear, or give her chocolate (I’m serious), and tell her how much she means to you. Tell her how she is a daughter of God and God don’t make no junk. Tell her she is stronger than you are since you are not valiantly fighting to stay alive. Let her know you admire her endurance. Just love her through it. It will be hard, terribly hard, but know that it is probably harder on her to do mundane tasks than it is for you to hold her hand and hug her each and every time she cries. Be that devoted to her. She may not recognize what a valuable friend you are immediately, but putting that extra effort to check in with her every day (hello, text, card in the mail) will only make you a better person. You will grow from serving her. Hope that helps.
I’m glad to know where this book came from and I’m glad Jeanna tackled the subject of depression b/c so many suffer from it and think they’re alone. Engaging excerpt! Thanks for sharing and for the giveaway opportunity.
Thank you for saying that! It touches me that people find it engaging. It is a fascinating disease that is not well understood. I hope that this excerpt helps a few people catch a glimpse of what it feels like. It is far too common for someone to never have it or at least have a loved one suffer with it. And they are NEVER alone! There are so many people who want to help. So many tools are available. Good luck in the giveaway.
Very close to home. Loved the excerpt. What would you say helped?
P.s. Forgot to say I’d love to read this. Didn’t think I’d say that at first because it’s so emotional but after reading the excerpt I do. I love your other books. Please enter me in the drawing for either copy.
This except might mislead people into thinking it is a dark book with the focus on Georgiana’s pain, but really it is about there healing. If this is close to home, then definitely read it! Don’t even wait for the giveaway! The things that helped me are fit snuggly into the plot throughout. The main idea is believing that the depression did not define me, it was slowly refining me into the strong confident woman I am now. I liken it to a tree going through winter. No one sees the growth the roots are taking but one winter lifts and the promise of spring comes…the growth is not measurable. No one could ever count how many leaves a wintered tree will bloom when spring comes. I have come a long long way. I am so deeply grateful for my winter years. For without them, I could never be who I am today.
My serious disorder passed long ago but it’s always worthwhile to see how others view things. I enjoyed your illustration.
The book sounds wonderful! Thanks for the giveaway.
I hope you win! Good luck! It is my favorite of all the books I have written. It is so close to my heart that I can’t help but smile when I reread it.
Thank you for sharing this with us! There are post, such as this one definitely is, that bring people closer together, make them more open, make them step outside the comfort zone of a carefully crafted virtual persona to share thoughts about personal suffering and struggle that no one would have guessed before. I’m sorry I didn’t know until today the kind of pain you had to live through for so long, Jeanna, and I am humbled by the way you took a personal misfortune and refined it into such an amazing story. It’s sensitive and beautiful, the raw pain grabs you and would not let go, and the way you describe Georgiana’s suffering and her efforts to rise above it for her brother’s sake is more moving than anything I’ve read in a long time! Please don’t enter me in the giveaway, I already have the e-book. Just wanted to say congratulations for writing such a powerful work and for finding the strength to fight back with such courage! As other said here, kudos to you!!
Joana, thank you for such touching words! I am amazed at the turnout of commenters and their openness too! It is strange how people internationally can be gathered and nurtured with just a few paragraphs. I am so glad you felt that it grabbed you. Georgiana is truly suffering and I feared I made it too graphic or disturbing but I pray it came across well. Often those who suffer fight for their loved ones/! People often think that depression is a selfish disease but we are survivors! Just as any person with cancer! We need to celebrate that we made it another day!
It did take courage to write it and also to admit that I suffered so deeply with the depression. But no one should be ashamed of their suffering. It is far too common and misunderstood disease to judge another. I pray that those who need the strength from this book will find it.
I look forward to reading your book and passing it on to other P&P loving friends. Do you tend to have ideas for multiple writing projects flowing and arced at the same time or do your ideas come one at a time?
Thank you! I usually focus on one book at a time but I rarely don’t have a writing project going on. My longest break between writing a book has been about 2 months. I get thinking far too quickly and the high of writing “the end” is thrilling! I find that just mulling a character’s personality, from the humanistic quirks to their strengths starts the plot bunny hopping. I can’t wait to write this week. It has been a busy few weeks and I stumbled upon a few fabulous authors that I highly recommend (Joana Starns, Sarah Ladd, and Alexa Adams) and so I took two weeks off and saturated myself in romance. Now that I have done my “research” (reading) I am ready to hit the keyboard and write the next chapter of Hope For Georgiana.
Your excerpt brought tears to my eyes, and reading others’ comments further, made me get more tissues out. How poignantly this piece was written, and I am moving this title to the top of my wish list.
You have shared something so important here, Jeanna. I always get excited to see a new visiting author share in my inbox, but then today was transported to another place entirely. Not just to the P&P world we all love to be transported to….but to a heart wrenching, yet hopeful place. As one who has suffered through this condition, my heart goes out to you and the others who commented. The worst part of the pain is, like Georgiana is feeling, is knowing that what you are going through is hurting the people you love. It’s awful.
I would love to be entered for the giveaway. But I’m going back to look at your other titles again and make sure they are on my wish list. The very best to you in your writing and in your life and those you love.
Wow! Such sweet words! Thank you. Your words mean a great deal to me. I do hope you get a chance to read it. There is a story in all of us, this one seemed to pour out of me. I totally agree that the worst part about depression is not the pain, the fear, the hopelessness or the tears, it is the stress it causes others. Unfortunately it mistakenly leads people to consider themselves a burden to their loved ones but the truth is that our loved ones desperately want to help us and would bend over backwards for those they love. Darcy in this book does exactly that. He is pushed to share Wickham’s story with Elizabeth without the awful Huntsford refusal to prompt him. He is desperate. And that desperation leads to humility. When someone is hurting as bad as Georgiana, we, as the loved ones, have a duty to help them. We cannot assume EVER that their sadness is their own fault. It is a lonely disease but it only feels like it. There are so many people who understand it on a personal level and even more who understand its effect on a loved one.
Thank you so much Jeanna, I was one of the winners of your generous giveaway. I just got the book the other day and finished it (in two days) (and phooey on the Christmas card list!) and gave it a glowing review on Amazon. As soon as I read the above excerpt I did indeed go to Amazon and purchased and LOVED ‘Pride & Persistence’ (so wonderful.) Both that one and Refine will be on my reread list. And I sooooo hope there is another and another and another book coming from your gifted story-telling talent soon. All the very best to you and yours for this most blessed Christmas season and the coming New Year. Relax, enjoy your family, bake some cookies and then get to writing next year. 🙂
So glad you enjoyed Jeanna’s book, Michelle! LOL! 🙂 Hope you have a lovely holiday season, so your Christmas cards might be a little late, who cares?!? 😉
Wow! This is definitely a dark place for Georgiana, so it’s good that Lizzy will be able to help her get out. I’ve been depressed before but was fortunate to have a counselor who recognized it when I didn’t.
So what did the church leader say in his devotional that sparked this plot bunny?
So often we do not recognize the signs. I was lucky in the fact that I could see it when the symptoms started coming. I had a great support system (for the most part) who I knew I could lean on. I never doubted that those who really loved me would do anything for me. It didn’t mean it wasn’t hard to ask for help. I hope no one ever feels too afraid to ask for help.
Spoiler alert: My church leader shared the scripture in Malachi 3:3 where it says that God will sit as refiner and purifier of silver. He then shared that silver has to be refined in the hottest part of the fire. He likened it to having to endure horrible trials. He then counseled us to remember that if we are faithful in enduring to the end then we will have God’s very image in our countenance. It is the subplot in the book. Darcy has to figure out the mystery of how Silver is refined. And as he does so, he starts learning to rely on God and finds peace with his sorrows and trials. He learns that our trials do not define us, rather they refine us. hope this wasn’t too much of a spoiler.
Jeanna, yes, this excerpt was difficult to read and there are certainly some dark times in your variation. However, when I closed the cover at the end I felt joy, hope, and contentment. To know that this was based on the real-life depression that you endured for so long is a wonderful testimony to what a strong woman you are. It is a beautiful love story between Darcy and Elizabeth. It is also a beautiful love story between a brother and his sister. Well done, good friend!
PS: Please do not enter me as I have this already in all its forms.
Joy! How wonderful that you stopped by to say hello! What a beautiful tribute to say that you felt joy and hope and contentment. That means so much. Yes it was based on real life experiences however, the depression is not the most important part of the story…it is about how our trials ( no matter what they are) somehow polish us and make us shine. No one hopes for trials, but even the most faithful people will be tested. I am so glad you said that it was a love story. I really tried to make it a love story before any other thing. I hoped to write a story that someone would remember, but also be touched by. Those are the stories that stay with us. Some of my most steadfast supporters during my depression were my sisters. So sibling love has its own kind of magic.
Absolutely loved your book. Your story was a beautiful relationship between Darcy and Elizabeth. Lizzy’s helping Georgiana through her depression was a godsend to both Darcy and Georgiana. Helping Elizabeth was equally important. Darcy’s determination on solving how to refine silver was excellent. Pride, Prejudice, and Perseverance.
I have been away from my computer (and home) for over a week. Although I missed the giveaway I am going to add this to my Wish List. I, too, have suffered from depression…more than just a single episode. The major bout was after a diagnosis of leukemia, but having worked as a caseworker with many people with mental health issues, I recognized my condition and asked for help. I took medication and looked for a support group (the latter of which I didn’t find). But, thanks to GOD I, too, survived. I remember using the mantra “This too will pass” many times. Get through the minute, the hour, the day…or the year(s). As you say, there are many who suffer and, as I also remind myself, many who have it worse. But when you are depressed you are not capable of the outward look…or…I wasn’t. Your depression seems much more pervasive but I am so glad you survived it and are here to bless us with your writings. Thanks for the excerpt. I did read your other books: one on loan from our dear Joy…above. I know I will enjoy this one.